I am a serial self-confuser... I make no excuses, for it is true! I need no-one on this earth to confuse me, for I am well and truly capable of doing it to myself. I have an uncanny knack for talking myself into things, and then I have the difficult task of trying to get out again... "well that's your problem, you daft bat, don't do it in the first place!" I hear you say, but for me, it's not that simple.
See, I look at others and sometimes I want what they have, usually regarding their knowledge and their faith... having a faith is my main problem, you see, I seem to desperately want one, yet I can't find one... then when I do find something that feels just right for me, I look around and see that others have something that looks better then mine, so I go after what they have, only to come to the conclusion a few months down the line that it's not really for me after all, by which time the one that I was sure of in the first place isn't the right one for me now after all!!
Do you see my dilemma, now? To put it in more simplified terms, I'm forever going after the greener grass, and never stopping to see just how green my grass already is! I just can't help doing it... I fully realise after the fact that I've done it, but I cannot seem to stop myself from doing it at the time!
My faith is the greatest source of my confusion... but it seems to be the one thing that I want more than anything else... maybe because I'm forever searching and never satisfied with my lot! I never was this confused about things when I had no faith (or I don't think I was, anyway). It's only started happening since I decided that I wanted a faith of some kind, and I hate it. I seemed to have a better time when I was an atheist, at least there was no wondering which god was my god, as I didn't really believe in any of them. Lately though, I just don't know... I see people having such great times and experiences with their god/s and I really want that kind of interaction with deity (I just feel as if something is missing deep down somewhere without it, it's difficult to explain)... on the other hand, whenever I try and interact with deity I just end up feeling rather empty, as if I'm doing things wrong or that no-one is paying attention. Whether that is the case or not, I've no idea, or whether I'm feeling that way as there is something wrong with me, well, I've no idea about that either! At the moment I actually have no idea if I believe in the existance of deities or not (that is how much I have confused myself of late... I've done such a good job I don't know what to believe anymore... isn't that clever of me?!)
I'm wondering if I'm going to be one of those people that never, ever seem to find what they are looking for and after a while they just seem to resign themselves to never having it, stop searching and just get on with things elsewhere instead...
I really do envy those people that seem to never doubt for one minute the faith they have and the god/s they worship. It must be nice to have such certainty about things. Now I know that there are people that are probably thinking "ah... but to never question your faith is to never know if you have the faith of your upbringing or the faith of your choosing, it's to never learn and grow and mature within your faith" or whatever questions you may be thinking. Now, I'm not saying that faith should never be questioned at all... I'm just saying that I envy all those that are so sure about things that they feel they never need to. As a serial self-confuser and indecisive person to the nth degree, I would like to have something that I am so sure about... hence the reason for this blog... I'm hoping that somehow unknotting my brain will severe the untidy Gordian knot of my self-confusion and indecision!
I can but try...
