I have no idea what it is, but there must be something that keeps my interest alive enough to get this confused *sigh*
When I compare the two I see no comparison, Paganism, to me is liberating... nothing is prohibited unless I choose for it to be... everyone is accepted and no one is wrong or evil just for being who they are meant to be. Most of the time I see Xtianity as a set of unreachable goals and unrealistic rules that doom people to failure before they even start. You can never be good enough, without sin enough, and most things to do with sex, abortion, homosexuality, even tattoos are bad, or evil and shouldn't be done, or are such major sins that even thinking about them is so wrong that it "angers God".
I wonder if it's to do with me being very much a loner and seeking people to connect with... the pagan community is so broad that it can be difficult, nay impossible sometimes, to find people that believe as you do (it's been said there are as many pagan paths as there are pagans), but with xtianity there is at least the fact that most people have the belief in Jesus in common.
I wonder if I'm sort of jealous of the comradeship that having similar beliefs with other people can bring, being an individual is great and all, but sometimes it can be fairly lonely... paganism may be seen as an umbrella, but it's one hell of a big one and unless you follow one of the more known about paths it's possible to get lost wandering around underneath it.
I'm also wondering if it seems to be an easier way to believe... just read this book, follow what it says and everything will be ok. Paganism can be very intense and sometimes I just get conflicted and oftentimes also quite fed up with having to do all of the research on my own and having no one to compare notes with. I know Kate West said that the path of the witch would make your life harder, but I never thought it would be quite so demoralising sometimes! Being a lazy person by nature, I work better if I have a set path that I can follow at my own pace, rather than starting out and trying to make my own up as I go along.
I feel as if I just can't win, and to feel that in regards to yourself can be incredibly frustrating. To think that you have your thoughts and beliefs set, and then find yourself changing your mind halfway through and having to u-turn and feel totally foolish, is not a good look for someone that hates drawing attention to herself and also hates feeling embarrassed.
Maybe it has to do with the way I feel other people see me... to suddenly go from being a fairly agnostic person to being pagan wasn't that far of a leap, but to then go to being a xtian, then swinging wildly between paganism, xtianity and agnostisism at a fairly rapid rate of speed (and also on a semi-regular basis) just makes me a laughing stock (or at least that is how I feel I am perceived!)... my confidence is so low that I will actually change the things I tell people I believe so that their opinion of me raises... and I shouldn't have to do that... not for anyone!
Another thing, is that I have no one around me that cares about any religion - at all! My parents just can't be bothered with any of it, and Sissy is such a rampant atheist that she actually laughs at some of the things I say or gets so angry at what she sees as someone that she knows is intelligent seeming to throw her brain away and just accept a pile of old crap (she has told me this in the past). Pingu has a passing interest, but I don't know him at all well enough to mention something as private as my beliefs.
I just wish that there was something that I had as a solid foundation on which to build the rest of my beliefs... but I can't even think of where to begin looking for that one thing that is unshakeable and not up for change, let alone what it even is!
Maybe that is why I envy most xtians... regardless what else they may disagree on they have Jesus/God as that one thing around which to build the rest of their own faith. Could I use Selene as the same thing? But I don't feel about Her the way that xtians feel about Jesus/God... She has never told me what to do, but has given me space to use my brain and find my own way. I feel that She is happy to let me do whatever I wish, She isn't jealous, or demanding, neither do I fear Her. I do the little things I do for Her because I want to and not because a book or other people tell me that I must. If I choose to do nothing for Her, ever again, She would be fine with that... no problem, catch you later.
I think it's something that is going to infuriate and puzzle me for ages yet... maybe if I regularly write it out here it will eventually become clearer (hopefully it won't get anymore confusing, lol!)
