Long time between entries, again!

And I'm still quite confused.

I made the mistake of going back to the xtian forum that causes a lot of my confusion... and every time I do I start to want to become xtian again. I have no idea why... maybe it is the sense of community that lures me, maybe it is loneliness on my part (as I don't really have a pagan forum that isn't hostile to go to anymore).

Standing back and looking at my beliefs objectively, I don't feel love for Christ, or for God... I feel kind of nothing towards them really. I don't feel any great love for Selene either... but I do feel comfortable with Her, and not nervous about praying to Her like I am with Christ. I can't get a pray out of my mouth to God/Christ... I just can't seem to do it. Whenever I try I just freeze and I can't. Maybe I am scared of being sucked back into xtianity again... a place where I am miserable and full of guilt all the time.  I just don't know.

I know when I am at the xtian site that I seem to defend non-xtian faiths and religions (even though to allow myself full run of the forums I have changed my faith icon to "xtian-seeker"... they have made the place quite hostile to non-xtians, and some places are off limits to them as well).

I wonder if it is because I have no other pagans that I actively do anything with... no rituals or anything... and at least in the liberal xtian forum there seem to be sane people that are actually nice to talk to.  Most of the pagan forums I'm at (except for one) seem to be inhabited by nasty, judgemental people that have a hard time liking anyone that disagree with their beliefs.

I think I should stay away from the place for a while anyway... at least until I feel stronger on my path... Samhain should help as I am planning something for that, so at least until after then I'll stay away from the xtian forum!

What the hell is WRONG with me?!?!?!

Why am I even thinking about Christianity again?!?!

It makes me feel guilty, all of the time, I get nothing positive from it... and whenever I go to places like CF I am repulsed by the hate filled bile that flows from the people like sweat from a Swede in a sauna!

The more time I am around Christians, the more I feel like one... yet something always hangs on to my Pagan roots, and I constantly feel that Selene is with me... way more than I ever felt/feel that God/Jesus was/is with me. Just contemplating quoting the bible at people or calling my self a christian and wearing a cross fills me with utter revulsion, it really does... yet I'm back there, reading threads and just re-enforcing the reason I was driven away every other time!

I need to see a head doctor... or at least get a firm hold on what I truly, truly believe in... without being swayed or guilted into it.

Man! I spend waaay too much time online around things that are toxic to my mental health, LOL!